Why We Shot Down That Satellite: One Citizen's Conjecture

I am most impressed with the successful action taken by our U. S. Navy in shooting down the recent renegade spy satellite. There has been an appropriate amount of international intrigue and consternation regarding the reasons our government has been so adamant about destroying this spacecraft. Our official policy seems to have been the potential danger of its re-entry into our atmosphere and the possibility of this school bus-sized machine landing in some habited place, exploding and spewing its bizarre and toxic fuel into the ether. On the other hand, those nations that hold America in constant and bitter contempt contend that there was data collected in that capsule critical to the balance of power on this planet. Now that this satellite has been obliterated and this mission is accomplished there are few who really know the answer. 

I have been reflecting upon the information that may have been collected on the hard drives of that extremely high-tech machine. This, of course, is simply conjecture and most of it likely untrue. However, I offer herein a reasonable estimation of its contents:

Lyrics to ‘Louie, Louie’

Map to final resting place of Jimmy Hoffa

Photo of sock that matches the one you saw in a gutter this morning

Speech from an honest politician

Osama bin Laden’s address

Vatican bank statements

Ingredients in Spam

Identity of item Billy Joe MacAllister threw off Tallahatchie Bridge

Reasons Jim Bakker still has television show

Secret of Wayne Newton’s appeal

Proof of Paul McCartney’s untimely death in 1966, identity of The Walrus and disturbing translation of ‘goo-goo-ga-joo’

Directions to cave in which country music is hidden

Pamphlet describing why Larry King is so beloved

Jack Ruby’s mail

Mystery of 666 unveiled

Final resolution of pi

Location of half-pack of Marlboros you know is in your house or car that you couldn’t find the last time you tried to quit smoking

Unabridged explanation of ‘Sad-Eyed Lady of the Lowlands’

Military service records of U. S. Congress

Good film starring Kevin Costner other than ‘No Way Out’

Positive 8x10 color prints of The Shroud of Turin

Blueprint for human kindness

Dick Cheney’s deposit slips

Analysis of relationship between Loch Ness Monster and scotch

Absolute interpretation of The Revelation of St. John

List of names, addresses and home phone numbers of everyone who has ever worked for a tele-marketer

What happened to Enoch

List of Best Places to Get a Great Martini on Atlantis

Identity of person who let the dogs out

If you are aware of more data please add a comment or send me a list via the CONTACT page. I’ll add them as I am able.