Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Why We Shot Down That Satellite: One Citizen's Conjecture

I am most impressed with the successful action taken by our U. S. Navy in shooting down the recent renegade spy satellite. There has been an appropriate amount of international intrigue and consternation regarding the reasons our government has been so adamant about destroying this spacecraft. Our official policy seems to have been the potential danger of its re-entry into our atmosphere and the possibility of this school bus-sized machine landing in some habited place, exploding and spewing its bizarre and toxic fuel into the ether. On the other hand, those nations that hold America in constant and bitter contempt contend that there was data collected in that capsule critical to the balance of power on this planet. Now that this satellite has been obliterated and this mission is accomplished there are few who really know the answer. 
I have been reflecting upon the information that may have been collected on the hard drives of that extremely high-tech machine. This, of course, is simply conjecture and most of it likely untrue. However, I offer herein a reasonable estimation of its contents:

Lyrics to ‘Louie, Louie’
Map to final resting place of Jimmy Hoffa
Photo of sock that matches the one you saw in a gutter this morning
Speech from an honest politician
Osama bin Laden’s address
Vatican bank statements
Ingredients in Spam
Identity of item Billy Joe MacAllister threw off Tallahatchie Bridge
Reasons Jim Bakker still has television show
Secret of Wayne Newton’s appeal
Proof of Paul McCartney’s untimely death in 1966, identity of The Walrus and disturbing translation of ‘goo-goo-ga-joo’
Directions to cave in which country music is hidden
Pamphlet describing why Larry King is so beloved
Jack Ruby’s mail
Mystery of 666 unveiled
Final resolution of pi
Location of half-pack of Marlboros you know is in your house or car that you couldn’t find the last time you tried to quit smoking
Unabridged explanation of ‘Sad-Eyed Lady of the Lowlands’
Military service records of U. S. Congress
Good film starring Kevin Costner other than ‘No Way Out’
Positive 8x10 color prints of The Shroud of Turin
Blueprint for human kindness
Dick Cheney’s deposit slips
Analysis of relationship between Loch Ness Monster and scotch
Absolute interpretation of The Revelation of St. John
List of names, addresses and home phone numbers of everyone who has ever worked for a tele-marketer
What happened to Enoch
List of Best Places to Get a Great Martini on Atlantis
Identity of person who let the dogs out

If you are aware of more data please add a comment or send me a list via the CONTACT page. I’ll add them as I am able.

3 Comments:

Blogger Ken Van Durand said...

So good to have your erudite postings back again.

I have missed them

KVD

March 2, 2008 at 5:36 PM  
Blogger Tallu said...

Dad, hilarious. Perhaps something else would be the one lyric to the Beatles song Across the Universe--just before they sing "nothing's gonna change my world." ???

March 8, 2008 at 9:30 PM  
Blogger Thom Schuyler said...

Tallu, I believe you are absolutely correct! Thanks for the insight.

March 10, 2008 at 5:49 PM  

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