Coupon Book

Surely you have purchased a coupon book from a niece, a cousin’s son, a neighbor or your own child as part of a fundraising effort for the Brownies, the Little League or the high school band. These catalogs are filled with bargains and special offers on certain goods and services in your community. Coupons typically include a free dessert at a restaurant that has since gone out of business; a 6th tire free with the purchase of 5 others at full retail price; a free entrée’ of equal or lesser value at a chain of eateries you hate; a free oil change every 650,000 miles (oil and labor not included) and 20% off your next dry cleaning bill (expires yesterday.) Whether or not the deals offered in these coupon books are of any value, I still believe the concept is valid and I have chosen to adopt it for another purpose. The balance of this post is a text-only, first draft version of something I am developing called ‘Transcendental Coupon Book for Middle-Aged Children of Aging Parents.’ Each coupon in this book will contain the following statement: ‘In matters related to Elderly Parents, The Bearer of this Coupon possesses the Unquestioned Authority to:

Coupon 1: Turn down the volume on all electronic devices.’

Coupon 2: Demand the purchase of hearing aids.’

Coupon 3: Turn up the volume on all hearing aids.’

Coupon 4: Refuse to ride in a car driven by parent.’

Coupon 5: Garnish car keys.’

Coupon 6: Sell car/s.’

Coupon 7: Disregard all inflexible political positions.’

Coupon 8: Pretend dad didn’t just say that.’

Coupon 9: Hide remote during Lawrence Welk reruns.’

Coupon 10: Turn on some lights.’

Coupon 11: Set thermostat conducive to human survival.’

Coupon 12: Clean out freezer and refrigerator.’

Coupon 13: Make you use your walker.’

Coupon 14: Wipe off your lips and cheeks at the dinner table.’

Coupon 15: Tap you on the shoulder and transport you to a dance hall in Atlantic City where you will dance, unabashedly, to a 20-minute version of ‘Sing. Sing, Sing’ performed by Benny Goodman and Orchestra with Gene Krupa on drums. 

Coupon 16: Exchange the irritation, frustration, anger, anxiety and sadness caused by being in your presence for the memories of your amazing love, tenderness, kindness, patience, generosity and grace.

Coupon 17: Be blessed with whatever you had as a parent and a human being. 

Feel free to add to the list.